I do fit in with the crowd

I’m a huge fan of quotes. They’re all over my social media, and screen shots are saved on my phone. Quotes help me feel better during my down times, and often serve as writing inspiration. I post a variety of them, but ones about being “unique” or “different” are ones that you’ll never see. Although the idea of being a true individual has good intentions, I haven’t fully bought into the idea. And here’s why.

Growing up, we’re programmed to believe that we must spend our lives perfecting our individuality and find ways to “stand out.” We’re taught to always be leaders and to rarely follow the crowd. Both of these sound good on paper and when heard in conversation, but what society fails to realize is that these ideas that are used to motivate can also destroy, simply because it’s taken too seriously. Everyone is so quick to proclaim that they’re “not like the rest of them,” but few are willing to admit the opposite. Admitting that you are the poster child of several common habits and quirks may be considered as taboo, but in reality, it’s one of the most honest things a person can do.

In most areas, I’m a typical 23 year old. I stay up until 3, and wake up at noon. The majority of my conversations are through text messages and social media (Instagram, you are my hero.),and I often wait until 8 pm to start something that is due at 11:59 that night. Awkward is my speciality, and I get myself in trouble with people sometimes because I don’t think before I speak. I’ve trusted the wrong people, and ignored the right ones.My college graduation is in 22 days and do not have a job lined up, or even a solid plan of how I’m going to enter “the real world” because I would rather enjoy my last true “break” instead of walking off the graduation stage right into my first full time job. I’m perpetually, always really single, and have more dating disaster stories than actual relationships. I’ve been on top of the world with everything I could’ve ever wanted, and have had it all ripped away from me in 5 seconds, with a harsh crash landing to match. And most importantly: I’m a mess, with nothing figured out.

This isn’t a message about proclaiming my individuality. On the contrary, it’s a message proclaiming that I’m just like the rest of the twentysomethings out there, wandering around this confusing corn maze of life that has more left turns than right. We spend so much time trying to make ourselves stand out that it often causes us to feel alone. Here’s the truth: you’re never as alone as you feel. There’s always a group of people who are going through the same exact thing. “Being like the rest of them” isn’t always bad. If anything, it makes you relatable and approachable, which opens more doors than you think. Finding people with similar quirks and goals can inspire you. Letting go of this idea of “having to stand out” and joining up with them can give you the support system you need to achieve everything you want. There is strength in numbers, and you’re never as alone as you think. We’re all in this together, I promise.

I Hear a Symphony

I’m 22 now, and you passed when I was 14. But with every photo I find I’m somehow transported to my younger self, standing in kitchen, mesmerized by the life you brought to the family. Because when you were around, it was like a symphony was being played. Everyone felt alive, and happiness was the only song we knew in that moment.

I’m 22 now, but there’s not a single day since you last moment here that I haven’t missed that symphony. There’s no other song, no other heartbreak, no other person that’ll ever match the one I have for my brother. I can only pray that there’s a heaven and an afterlife, where you’re at now. I can only pray that I’ll hear that music again, but until then, I’ll keep the chords with me.

Being 22 & single

It’s the same scenario over and over again. I’ll be out at a party/bar/restaurant, and my newly-engaged / newly committed in a relationship friend, random person, or my grandma says:

oh, but you’re so pretty/smart/funny/etc….why are you still single?

This post is dedicated to those people, and is a polite request for them to stop.

Being single is not some weird tragedy that deserves a spotlight to be placed on it. It won’t get me on E! True Hollywood Story, Ripley’s Believe it or Not, or even get me a Nobel Peace Prize. However, you would think so with the way people seem to ask me, and with the way their overly concerned faces match the question.

It’s kind of a backhanded compliment too. I love being told I’m pretty/smart/awesome almost as much as I love getting that Chocolate Chip Cookie Skillet from Chili’s on a Sunday afternoon. But then you throw in the why are you still single/there’s no way you’re single/stop it. Are you saying that because your boyfriend really isn’t that cool?, and it’s like discovering that Chili’s gave me a plastic cookie and skillet instead of the real thing.

Stop transforming my cookie into plastic.

Of course, there’s a variety of reasons that could explain why I’m without someone to share pizza and a movie with at 3 am, such as.

• Having too many goals to accomplish in my last semester of college, such as getting published in a magazine, surviving my advertising campaigns class, and maybe, just maybe, finally learning how to use a planner.
• My inability to stop saying everything that’s on my mind. I’m too honest and sarcastic for my own good. My foot has a permanent place in my mouth, rarely ever leaves.
• The unrealistic idea I’ve developed that J.D. from Scrubs is an actual person that’s waiting for me to find him. I just haven’t landed in the right hospital yet.

Look, here’s the thing. I’ve never been one to follow rules. Actually, I’ve told many people that rules are meant to be broken. Apparently there’s some unspoken society rule that you have to be in relationship or continuously dating when you’re 22 and about to graduate from college, and I’m ok with accepting the challenge to break it. Sure, there’s some Friday & Saturday nights where I’m sitting home watching Nextflix and wishing I had some cute guy next to me to watch it with me, but those moments don’t happen as often as people like to think they do.

So please, make some funeral arrangements for “why are you still single” question, and lay it to rest. Or claim you don’t have the money or time for that and don’t. Just know that we’re writing different books, and I haven’t gotten around to writing that chapter yet. And be prepared for a sarcastic answer that might make you angry if you choose to keep asking.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Summer 2013

Oh, Summer. You’re usually my favorite time of the year. I feel the same way when you come around as I do when an old friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in a while comes over to visit and catch up. It’s a genuine feeling of excitement, and I just can’t wait for new experiences to enjoy and learn from. However, your visit this year has left me confused and kind of lost.  It’s as if you’ve transformed from my chill, happy-go-lucky friend into one that takes the whole “learning experience” thing a little too seriously. You’ve been consistently giving me nothing but upsetting challenges, which is the complete opposite of happy-go-lucky and chill. Of course, there’s still glimpses of the old you on occasion, but it’s not enough for there to be an equal balance. I feel like I don’t know you anymore, summer, and it’s breaking my heart.

You were all right in the beginning. It was such a fun reunion, filled with new and old friends, parties, and sleeping in. I was starting the internship that I’d been after for over a year, met an interesting guy that I was really starting to like, and looked forward to finally having some time to work on my plans to improve the Student Government committee I was in charge of.  It was shaping up to be a wonderful and productive summer, until your “ulterior motives” came in and you released the beginning of a never-ending spiral of plot twists.

The first heartbreaking plot twist came the morning of the first Student Government meeting for the summer. I came into the office that day as a semi-confident committee chair, and left that night as just a regular student, now separated from the only student leadership job I’ve ever known and ending that life chapter.  Really summer, that’s the first big experience you give me this year? Very clever, are you trying to outsmart me in the creative department? This is where you won your first gold medal in the “Surprise Nicole” challenge,I thought that’d be the end of your ulterior motives, but I forgot that you, just like me, are an overachiever and just had to keep the series of unfortunate events going.  Fuck you and your unhealthy addiction to success.

Your next trick involved the interesting guy I was seeing and starting to really like. You took him away from me just as fast as you brought him to me! Great storyline you created, too: getting him to break it off with me because of the “too many unknowns” in his life, string me along for two more weeks, then (this is my favorite part) bring the relationship luck I’ve been asking you for to him and allowing him to mysteriously solve his unknowns and get into a relationship with another girl two weeks later.  Read this sentence very carefully: THIS WAS NOT THE IDEA I HAD IN MIND FOR “SUMMER LOVE.” SUMMER HEARTBREAK WAS NOT ON THE AGENDA. Maybe it was just a causal misunderstanding between us, I don’t know. Congratulations on your second win, go buy yourself one of those cookie skillets at Chili’s.

Now, for the grand finale and the one event that has completely left me questioning our friendship. This dream internship that I’ve been working at was by far the most stressful and challenging one that I’ve ever done. First you take away my supervisor, the only reason why I wanted this internship (what is it with you this summer and taking people away? Are you switching career paths and learning how to become a magician? Was the classic rabbit hat trick too boring for you?), forcing me to learn the very complicated art of advertising copywriting on my own, all for my very first advertising campaign for a really big client. Everything turned out well – I created great one-liners, amazing radio spots, and a pretty entertaining online video advertisement. Things were going perfectly, until you remembered my insecurities of performing my work in front of people and my lack of time management skills. Those two things caused my downfall, and caused the creative director to take back his offer to keep me as an intern for the fall semester.

I now have nothing. No student leadership position, no boyfriend, and no internship. I’ve lost my direction, and just life as I know it has been completely changed. You’ve completely destroyed me, summer, and if there’s anyone that I can stay has truly betrayed me, it’s you. I’m speechless.

However, as I’m sitting here writing the conclusion to this letter, a weird thought comes to mind. Maybe you haven’t changed for the worse like I thought you did, summer. Maybe you knew that I’m graduating from college soon and needed to grow up and stop coasting through life like I’ve been doing all this time. So you created these obstacles to break me down and force me to really start figuring out what I want out of life. I’ve slowly picking up hobbies that I enjoy, finally going back to running (I ran my first 5K in 6 years and actually did really well !), and focusing on surrounding myself with only those who inspire and encourage me to be a better person.

It took all of these ridiculously painful events, long drives spent hysterically crying, and a lot of Facebook unfriending (I’m always unfriending people that hurt me. I don’t know whether to change that habit of mine or not, still thinking about it), to get me to actually feel alive. Maybe you taking away my comfortable life and forcing me to start over is the best thing to ever happen to me. I’m looking forward to the beginning of this new chapter with my newfound sense of purpose, and I have you to thank. Thank you, summer, for always being my one true friend that always wants the best for me.